Righteous Anger

Anyone who tells you that parenting doesn’t involve the regular exposition of strong emotions, including anger, is lying.

The assault on our constitutional religious liberties by the current administration in Washington D.C. and the liberal media’s outright digital terrorism on the mind space of our youth to promote a licentious homosexual agenda, has me very, very angry.

Especially in a testosterone-heavy household like ours, expressions of aggression seem to be a normal part of life. So, I’ve been thinking about the use and appropriateness of anger, especially in the context of fathering. In a Christian home that is rooted in love and grace, where and when does anger have a place? Where and when should my anger work into the fathering plan?

Author John Oakes has some interesting thoughts on the subject. He writes, “It seems that righteous anger is directed toward people who willfully violate the rights and prerogatives of God or other people. Anger at those who commit acts of racial prejudice or those who scoff at God or who create division in the church is appropriate.“

“A parent’s anger at their children for blatant rebellion may be appropriate, but that depends on whether it is expressed in a righteous way. If such anger results in a desire to hurt or get revenge it is not righteous.”

In early adulthood I was in love with anger. In fact, I felt that anger was a gift. After all, my view (then) was that anger clarified life. Anger motivated me. I believed my anger was “controllable.” And selfishly, my anger was my own.  Most of my anger was rooted in strongly held assertions of life’s lack of “fairness” and was accompanied by robust payback fantasies.  Simply put, my anger was immature. Only later did I realize that I’d become a slave to my anger, especially the unrighteous and largely unexpressed anger held in my heart. Anger became a barrier to positive action versus a catalyst to change. I look around at our culture today and I see too much of that.

So what do I tell my kids about my own anger, and what should I show them? It’s a gross oversimplification, but I believe a good place to start is with three C’s: Consideration. Communication. Consistency.

• First, I really need to do some thinking about what has me so angry. Are the reasons righteous? If so, what purpose does my anger serve, if any? Serious consideration to what I am I willing to do, or not do, as a result is warranted.

• If I’m going to be really angry about something, I’d better be prepared to tell my sons why. I need to communicate with them the context of my anger, what it means to me, and how it manifests in my behavior. Especially if it involves them, they need to understand the difference between being upset with situations or behavior and anger placed and directed at them.

• Anger is such a powerful and potentially damaging emotion that I simply must commit to being consistent about managing the role of that anger plays in my, and their lives. When I blow up, and I blow it with unrighteous anger, I have to be quick to correct myself and teach them how to recover as well.

Righteous anger is also an awesome learning and teaching opportunity. Explaining my reasons for extreme dissatisfaction about core life issues provides the platform for discussions about what is critically important to me. Likewise, digging deeper when my boys are lit up allows me to understand them and their worldview better.

Challenge: Get to know your own anger. Can you accurately qualify if it is righteous or unrighteous? The next time your real anger feels right, I challenge you to test if it is.

I can’t be the only father who sees the power and the danger of anger. What do you do to wield this mighty sword with discernment?

Anger in my life may be fuel for action, but anger in my heart is poison.